A Walk in The Past

I recently went back to the place where I spent my childhood. I thought I was going back home, I was so excited. Excited that I was revisiting memories, excited that Id feel home again. The day I moved I felt a hollow feeling inside me, I was leaving everything behind. My friends, my memories, everything that was familiar to me, everything that had come to protect me. I always loved adventure, I was always on the look out of discovering new things. Often when my family for a picnic to the beach or to a lake, I would detach from the family and roam around alone. Eager to discover something new, ravishing in the peace of doing anything that I wanted, eager for adventure. But leaving all that behind for an entirely new and different life; that was one adventure I was not ready for one adventure I didn't want to take. But I had to.

It took me a long time to finally accept that I was never going back. That I would have to accept things as they were. And so a new adventure unfolded. My life changed completely, I faced unimaginable things. Events, circumstances, thoughts shaped my new nature. And the old one was smothered, the old adventurous; eager for new things nature became only a small forgotten part of my nature. So the new me took the journey of visiting my childhood home. The new me that missed my old self terribly.

I stepped out of the airport and breathed in deeply, it was like breathing in the first fresh breath of spring. After leaving my luggage at the apartment I was supposed to stay at, I left everything behind and went for a stroll alone.

It was like a walk in the past... So much had changed and yet I recognised every single place. Looking at all the places, the streets, the monuments, the people; all changed so much and yet familiar nonetheless. Time had changed much, but for me I had travelled back in time. Travelled back to what was once my home, back to all the memories, back to all the safety.

I made my way to the sea. When I was a child I used to often come to a place here at the seashore. It was sort of like a hollow carved in the cliffs by the waves, there I used to sit whenever I wanted some time alone with myself. Serene and peaceful the waves slightly touching my feet, the hollow was still there. After 11 years I still remembered that place, and it was still there, waiting for me.

As I sat there watching the gentle waves swaying and lightly caressing my feet, I was more at peace in my mind as I have never been in the past 11 years. I was whole again, the hollowness that I had felt since I had left was filled.

But there was something wrong, I could feel it. Something was just not right. And in my heart I knew. I had come back to fill up one hole of my life but I had failed to realise that in doing so I had left part of my heart back from where I had come from. I could not be complete without it.

I could not be complete without the part of my heart that belonged to those I loved. I was back in the same position that I was in 11 years ago. But this time I was happy.

Lonely Tears

I sat alone on the hill,
A gentle breeze rippling,
The full moon glaring,
The stars shining

I sat alone on the hill,
A tear in my eyes,
A silent wish in my heart,
And the tear silently fell

Why do you fall oh tears?
No one is there to wipe you away,
You are to stay,
Stay in my heart,
Stay till there is nothing left,
Nothing except tears

The Stars

A cool breeze woke him up. It was the middle of the night, the dark stretched ever long. The dying embers of fire glowed red as the gentle wind went through them. All was silent and dark. He was about to close his eyes back, when he saw someone sitting on a nearby log. Sitting silently and so still that you could have easily missed her. She was looking up, up into the sky. He slowly got up and moved to her side. The stars reflected in her eyes twinkled extra bright. Her eyes silvery gray were mesmerizing. “What are you looking for?” he asked. She looked at him questioningly. “Its like your searching something among the stars, your eyes were roving all over them as if you wouldn’t rest until you got answers. What are you looking for? In the stars?” he asked again.
“The stars are bright tonight; I was looking for a reason for their brightness.”
“And did you find it?”
“No. they hold many secrets and they do not part with them so easily, it will take more then one night for them to say something.”
“You say so as if you know them very well..”
“I do. I spend every night probing deeper and deeper into their secrets, trying to find a reason, a reason for everything, a reason for my life. I do not have much to do at night, so I look at the stars every night and challenge them till they slowly fade out to dawn.”
“Night is for rest; do not exhaust your mind when it needs to rest!”
“I cannot rest the same way you do at nights, my sleep was taken away from me a long time ago..”
“What do you mean by that? What happened?”
She looked at him with blazing eyes, measuring whether she should answer his question or not. His eyes were troubled, and she got intrigued that why was he so troubled by this.
“I lost faith in all bonds, there was no such thing as a family. A family who couldn’t protect me from themselves. That was when I woke up, I was very small and I haven’t been able to sleep since. My rest is this, my challenge to the stars. They bring peace to my heart, they mend my wounds and that is why I’m rested every night after I watch them.”
He looked at her amazed.
“Go back to sleep, I will wake you at dawn,” she said, and then she went back to probing into the stars.
He went back to his bedroll, something had happened in her past. Something that had altered her completely, so much that she had lost her sleep indefinitely. He closed his eyes to call back his sleep, but he could not, not when she sat there alone and fought with the stars.

Loneliness..

You stand in midst of a crowd
and yet your heart cries

Your family stands behind you
and yet you walk alone

Your friends surround you
and yet you sit alone

Your love holds your hand
and yet your tears fall

loneliness is your companion
one that never leaves you
one that is true to you
one that will always be with you
when all other has failed...

Family..

Family, what is a family? In a country where family and family members are given such importance, it is essential to understand what this particular word means. Chamber’s dictionary defines the word family as; a family is a set of people related to one another, specially a household consisting of parents and children. Longman’s dictionary however defines family as; any group of people related by blood or marriage. Is that what family is all about? Blood relations, marriage, parents, siblings, and children? Is that the essence of the word family? Where are the feelings, the goals, and the ambitions that make a family go through thick and thin? The essence of a true family is lost, the essence where you truly felt the pain of your children of your siblings of your parents. You look into a Pakistani family and what do you find? A group of people bound by blood, and that is it.

It’s very strange this bond of blood; lifeless. Are the parents excited when their child finally decides what to become in life, do they smile proudly at their child’s ambition? Is a brother grateful when his sister makes him her first cup of tea? Does a son feel the pain a father goes through everyday to make ends meet? Does a mother really know what her daughter is going through? These are feelings that course through one’s blood when presented with them. Does that happen now, does it happen here? No, it does not. What is the use of such a blood bond when these feelings have been erased from the word family? Fear is what is found in this family. Fear of expression, fear of free will, fear of respect, fear of being different. What is right then, and what is wrong? Should a son, a daughter disobey their parents for their own free will? Should a mother, a father enforce their decision on their child for his/her own good? What is more important now? Free will or Respect?

So many questions that I ask, many of which do not have an answer. Where are the answers you may wonder? There is no right or wrong answer, the answer is inside you. You decide what is right and what is wrong for you, nobody else can make that decision for you. You decide whether foregoing your own will for your parents will is worthwhile enough to last a lifetime. You decide whether foregoing your own happiness for your child’s smile is enough for an eternity.

The Tree

She spread her arms far and wide,

bracing for the next tide

the next tide of sorrow

of grief and of anger

She stood tall to protect

all those whose lives were spent

spent fighting the cruelties of men

the injustices of women

the path of Fate

She stood strong to preserve,

the gems that cried tears of blood

the tears that gave her strength

the tears that were her only companion

She stood alone, all alone.

Silence

Silence.

the scuttle of a mouse

the buzz of a fly

Silence

the creak of a floorboard

the subtleness of dust

Silence

a single teardrop

a single heartbeat

a secret dream

Silence

a vision

a flicker of emotion

and then silence

Silence.